Ever wondered how Dennis Reynolds pulls in so many ladies? Do you only dream of being as suave and sophisticated as Dennis? Well, then! This is the episode of It’s Always Sunny for you! Dennis outlines his six-point plan for scoring with women and dropping them cold as only he can. Observe and learn.
Dennis breezes into Paddy’s to share a voicemail message sent to him by the latest chick he’s gotten to fall in love with him. After the voice on the other end cycles through a litany of derogatory names, Dennis laughs about it and informs his cohorts that this chick who claims to hate him is actually in love with him. And it’s all thanks to “The D.E.N.N.I.S. System.”
- D – Demonstrate value
- E – Engage physically
- N – Nurturing dependence
- N – Neglect emotionally
- I – Inspire hope
- S – Separate entirely
Using Kayleigh the Cute Pharmacist (and angry voice on the other end of the voicemail message) as an exhibit, Dennis goes over his formula point by point. He “demonstrates value” by going to the pharmacy and filling a prescription for his sick grandmother. After asking Kayleigh out, he asks her out to dinner at a restaurant that he knows is closed and then suggests they go to his house for pizza and a movie. This is where Mac-as-Wingman comes in, sporting glasses and a sweater on the couch and declaring he can’t go back to his room because of a spider. This forces Dennis and his girl into his room to watch the movie, culminating in a subtle seduction on his bed. She’s just been “engaged physically.”
Dennis then “nurtures dependence” by having her car towed, slashing her tires – and his personal favorite — creating a telephone stalker to threaten her. It will make her want to take the relationship to the next level and drive her crying dependently into his arms. Once she’s dependent, it’s time to “neglect her emotionally” by dodging phone calls and just ignoring her.
Taking the emotional rollercoaster a step further, it’s time to “inspire hope.” Dennis then re-enacts scenes from ‘80s movies such as Say Anything and Top Gun, making a play by saying he was afraid to connect with her emotionally. Once again, he’s back in her bedroom on the basis that he’s made her feel like she’s transformed him from a cold unfeeling guy to someone who truly loves her.
And thennnnnnnn, Dennis crawls out a window and leaves her, enacting the final stage of The D.E.N.N.I.S. System, “Separate entirely.”
Frank, Mac, and Charlie applaud Dennis’s advice while Dee is appalled. The guys also note that Dee’s probably going to get D.E.N.N.I.S.-ed by her new boyfriend, Ben the soldier who came home from Iraq from a few episodes ago. Sweet, stupid men has been sitting inside a hot car with the windows rolled up, waiting cheerfully for Dee like a sap.
Later on, Dennis goes to talk to Kayleigh at the pharmacy in an attempt to score again. She tells him that she knows his grandmother story (and the prescription signed by “Dr. Toboggan”) is a sham. He runs into Mac and Frank at the pharmacy who are also planning to engage the The D.E.N.N.I.S. System. Mac, however, has his own system: Move-in After Completion (M.A.C.) and swoops in as the sensitive intellectual type after Dennis humps n’ dumps the ladies. Frank, meanwhile, is content to pick up the scraps and adopts the name “Mantis,” armed with a wad of hundreds and a box of Magnums to “demonstrate value” by insinuating he has a “monster dong.” Dennis dubs him desperate and insists that the smarter thing would be to have the Magnum sticking out of his wallet.
Meanwhile, Dee’s boyfriend (wearing the denim shorts that Frank gave him as a homecoming gift) sets up a nice picnic for the two of them. Dee freaks out, believing this is part of a plan designed to make her dependent upon him. She falls down the hill and stomps off as Ben innocently tries to help her.
Trying to work the system himself, Charlie, shoving a bag of hair in the Waitress’s sink to clog it, is busted by the Waitress who comes home and sees him having broke into her apartment. After complimenting her on her admittedly hideous shirt that she wears for her other job, Charlie learns the Waitress is now working at a fair. She boots him from her place and Charlie heads back to Paddy’s to lament how Dennis’s system hasn’t worked for him.
Back at Paddy’s, Dennis comes up with a plan for Charlie to demonstrate his value by winning a prize at a carnival booth where the Waitress works… and give it to the bustiest chick he can find, thereby demonstrating his total lack of interest in her. Dennis determines that Dee has no value on her own and needs to de-value Ben and will brazenly flirt with a carny in front of him. Mac, in turn, will invite Kayleigh to the fair where Dennis will declare his undying love for her.
At the fair, Dennis rents a grandma (who loves to tell stories of her lesbian grandmother who had an affair with Susan B. Anthony) for the day and pushes her around the fair as Kayleigh bait. Charlie attempts to “demonstrate his value” to the Waitress and comes up with an epic fail. Ben, on the other hand, delivers a nice nod to the “I like turtles” kid by having his face painted while Dee looks on. Mac arrives at the fair with Kayleigh in tow. Frank, however, deviates from the script, insisting that it’s “no more thirds for Frankie! It’s seconds now”, having taken on the role of a Dr. Mantis Toboggan. With Kayleigh looking on, Frank/Dr. Toboggan tells Dennis that his test results came back positive and that “You got the AIDS big time!”
Things go to hell quickly as Dee gets dumped by Ben who declares her too mean to date after she gets stabbed by the carny she flirts with, mistaking her for the Waitress who he was supposed to stab to make her dependent on Charlie. As usual, the gang heads off by themselves at the end of yet another sunny day in Philadelphia.
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